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    kimberly__felix

    ๐—ช๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ ๐—ก๐—ฒ๐˜…๐˜? | ๐™Ž๐™ค ๐™ฌ ๐—ช๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ ๐—ก๐—ฒ๐˜…๐˜? | ๐™Ž๐™ค ๐™ฌ๐™š ๐™ง๐™ค๐™จ๐™š ๐™ช๐™ฅ, ๐™ฌ๐™š ๐™—๐™ก๐™–๐™˜๐™ ๐™š๐™™ ๐™ค๐™ช๐™ฉ, ๐™ฌ๐™š ๐™จ๐™๐™ค๐™ฌ๐™š๐™™ ๐™ช๐™ฅ, ๐™ฌ๐™šโ€™๐™ง๐™š ๐™๐™š๐™ง๐™šโ€ฆ ๐™ฃ๐™ค๐™ฌ ๐™ฌ๐™๐™–๐™ฉ?
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
Iโ€™ve got an IGTV for that, in fact, Iโ€™ve got two.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
๐—ฃ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐˜ ๐Ÿญ: ๐—”๐—ฐ๐˜๐—ถ๐˜ƒ๐—ถ๐˜€๐—บ ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿฌ๐Ÿญ โ‡พ I talk 3 types of activism, tools and resources for starting out, and self-care for before, during, and after the protest. In all things there is an ebb & flowโ€ฆ and this is only just the beginning. We need you strong.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
๐—ฃ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐˜ ๐Ÿฎ: ๐—ฃ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜๐—ต๐—ผ๐—ผ๐—ฑ ๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—”๐—ฐ๐˜๐—ถ๐˜ƒ๐—ถ๐˜€๐—บ โ‡พ After talking about parenthood as a form of activism, I got so many requests for resourcesโ€ฆ
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
๐™‰๐™ค๐™ฉ๐™š: this is more than just a booklist. First, we must tackle the HIGHLY PROBLEMATIC notion of colorblindness & then I give you some less typical options for historical accounts of America so that we can understand how we got ๐™ƒ๐™€๐™๐™€. Only then can we truly move forward to dismantle systemic racism.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
I break childrenโ€™s books down into categoryโ€™s with a pedagogy for how they serve to raise conscious kids & more specifically anti-racist chidden (grounded loosely in the concept of exposure therapy). Consider this a free workshop, b/c I love you & our kids deserve better. PS- you do NOT need to be a parent to watch this.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
Soโ€ฆ thatโ€™s whatโ€™s next. Tell me, what are YOU doing to take this movement off the the โ€˜gram & into your life?
    ๐—ฆ๐—ผ, ๐—ป๐—ผ๐˜„ ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚ ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐—ป๐˜ ๐˜๐—ผ โ€œ๐‘ฉ๐’† ๐‘ป๐’‰๐’† ๐‘ช๐’‰๐’‚๐’๐’ˆ๐’†โ€?
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
Being a strong black woman is hard. In a world where the โ˜€๏ธ + ๐ŸŒˆ feed is trending & ๐™ฌ๐™๐™–๐™ฉ๐™š๐™ซ๐™š๐™ง ๐™ž๐™จ ๐™ฌ๐™๐™ž๐™ฉ๐™š ๐™ž๐™จ ๐™ช๐™จ๐™ช๐™–๐™ก๐™ก๐™ฎ ๐™ง๐™ž๐™œ๐™๐™ฉ, I have to fight to maintain my authenticity.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
I was a grown ass woman before I learned self-love. A wife & mother already. In, fact ๐™„ ๐™–๐™ข ๐™จ๐™ฉ๐™ž๐™ก๐™ก ๐™ž๐™ฃ ๐™ž๐™ฉ. The learning phase. Women who are not taught their value as children spend half of their adulthood trying to learn it. It requires work. The work is hard, & it is unending. But it is so worth it.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
Black women, we are building worlds. Breaking generational curses. Being beacons, & light houses, & fortresses. ๐˜ผ๐™ฃ๐™™ ๐™ฌ๐™š ๐™–๐™ง๐™š ๐™™๐™ค๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ ๐™ž๐™ฉ ๐™ฌ๐™ž๐™ฉ๐™ ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™ฌ๐™š๐™ž๐™œ๐™๐™ฉ ๐™ค๐™› ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™ฌ๐™ค๐™ง๐™ก๐™™ ๐™ค๐™ฃ ๐™ค๐™ช๐™ง ๐™—๐™–๐™˜๐™ ๐™จ. To these women I say, take care of you, honey...
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
๐—•๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐—ฎ๐˜‚๐˜€๐—ฒ ๐—ถ๐—ป ๐—ฎ ๐˜„๐—ผ๐—ฟ๐—น๐—ฑ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—บ๐—บ๐—ผ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐—ณ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐—ฑ๐˜†โ€ฆ ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜† ๐—๐—ผ๐˜† ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ช๐—ฒ๐—น๐—น๐—ป๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜€ ๐—ถ๐˜€ ๐—ฅ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐—ถ๐˜€๐˜๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฐ๐—ฒ.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
Being a WOC in Wellness is hardโ€ฆ but I am committed to bursting though the door & breaking the damn handle. Because seeing myself in wellness, in dance, in gymnastics, could have saved me a lifetime of pain. #edrecovery .
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
Eleanor changed the game for me (journal โ‡“).
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
โ€œUterus full of a future woman, her uterus ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ฅ๐˜บ ๐˜ง๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ธ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ฉ ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ญ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ๐˜ด ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ง๐˜ถ๐˜ต๐˜ถ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ, I realize that being a woman is literally being ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ง๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜บ. I am infinity. And๐˜ ๐˜–๐˜œ are infinity, little girl. And the future is female.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ € ๐˜ฝ๐™ก๐™–๐™˜๐™  ๐™œ๐™ž๐™ง๐™ก ๐™ฎ๐™ค๐™ช ๐™–๐™ง๐™š ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™›๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™ž๐™ฉ๐™š.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
๐˜ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ ๐˜๐˜•๐˜๐˜๐˜•๐˜๐˜›๐˜Œ & ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ง๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ค๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ค๐˜ฆ๐˜ช๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ.โ€
_____________
Remembering this allows me to be ok with not living a unicorn lifeโ€ฆ
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
๐™„ ๐™™๐™ค๐™ฃโ€™๐™ฉ ๐™ฃ๐™š๐™š๐™™ ๐™ฉ๐™ค ๐™—๐™š ๐™– ๐™ช๐™ฃ๐™ž๐™˜๐™ค๐™ง๐™ฃ, ๐™„โ€™๐™ข ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™ฌ๐™๐™ค๐™ก๐™š ๐™›๐™ช๐™˜๐™ ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ ๐™ช๐™ฃ๐™ž๐™ซ๐™š๐™ง๐™จ๐™š ๐Ÿ’ซ.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
In fact, I was last year, last month, last weekโ€ฆ but hey, Iโ€™m glad you finally see it.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
Welcome... Now letโ€™s do the damn work. โœŠ๐Ÿฝ
    ๏ผญ๏ฝ๏ฝ๏ฝ. โ–น The first time we hear it our h ๏ผญ๏ฝ๏ฝ๏ฝ. โ–น  The first time we hear it our heart cracks wide openโ€ฆ
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
So hearing someone elseโ€™s child say it in their final moments is absolutely heart shattering.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
#GeorgeFloyd is not the first black man Iโ€™ve heard cry for his mama as his unjust death was being recorded for posterity. And it breaks my heart every damn time. ๐™’๐™๐™š๐™ฃ ๐™ž๐™จ ๐™š๐™ฃ๐™ค๐™ช๐™œ๐™, ๐™š๐™ฃ๐™ค๐™ช๐™œ๐™?
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
In years past I have been a ๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐—ผ๐˜๐˜€ ๐—ผ๐—ป ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ด๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ป๐—ฑ, ๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐—ฐ๐˜‚๐—ณ๐—ณ ๐—บ๐˜†๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—น๐—ณ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—บ๐˜† ๐—ณ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐˜€, ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ป ๐—ถ๐—ป๐˜๐—ผ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฏ๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ธ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—ฎ ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—ฝ ๐—ฐ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ protestor. Iโ€™ve been pepper sprayed & Iโ€™ve been yelled at. And in the end, it felt righteous, it felt necessary, & it felt good to see the tables turn on an important issue. But on thisโ€ฆ #blacklivesmatter , Iโ€™m left wonderingโ€ฆ ๐™ฌ๐™๐™š๐™ฃ ๐™ฌ๐™ž๐™ก๐™ก ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™ฉ๐™–๐™—๐™ก๐™š๐™จ ๐™ฉ๐™ช๐™ง๐™ฃ?
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
Today in my stories I talk about how ๐—ฝ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐˜๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜๐—ผ๐—ฟ๐˜€ ๐—”๐—ฅ๐—˜ ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜๐—ถ๐—ฎ๐—น ๐˜„๐—ผ๐—ฟ๐—ธ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜€. Itโ€™s important workโ€ฆ & we ๐—”๐—Ÿ๐—Ÿ need to be doing it.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
That being said, I am no longer in the season of boots on the groundโ€ฆ and that hurts (my pride mostly). A few years ago I got some of the best advocacy advice for this season:
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๐™‹๐™–๐™ง๐™š๐™ฃ๐™ฉ๐™๐™ค๐™ค๐™™ ๐™ž๐™จ ๐™ฅ๐™ง๐™ค๐™ฉ๐™š๐™จ๐™ฉ. ๐™ˆ๐™ค๐™ฉ๐™๐™š๐™ง๐™๐™ค๐™ค๐™™ ๐™ž๐™จ ๐™๐™ƒ๐™€ ๐™—๐™š๐™œ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™ฃ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ ๐™ค๐™› ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™ง๐™š๐™จ๐™ž๐™จ๐™ฉ๐™–๐™ฃ๐™˜๐™š.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
Just like George (& ahmaud & breonna & & &) was someoneโ€™s child, so was that cop. White silence is complicity. The answer is NOT colorblindness. The answer is NOT continuing to ignore the problem. We as people have gotta do better than thisโ€ฆ
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
๐—•๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐—ฎ๐˜‚๐˜€๐—ฒ, ๐—ง๐—›๐—œ๐—ฆ ๐—ฎ๐—ถ๐—ปโ€™๐˜ ๐—ถ๐˜.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
And best of all, you can do ๐™๐™ƒ๐™„๐™Ž  work from anywhere. You can raise your kids right & protest systemic racism from the comfort of your home. In fact, we should ๐—”๐—Ÿ๐—Ÿ be doing it.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
In the coming days Iโ€™ll be adding resources for those who are looking to consciously parent, & if you have a resource you love, leave it belowโ€ฆ we are in this together.
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And if you ๐˜ผ๐™๐™€ trying to be in these streets, because there is a place for that, too (& thank you), protect yourselves. Slide in my DMs if you need resources.
    ๐—›๐—ผ๐˜„ ๐—ฑ๐—ผ๐—ฒ๐˜€ ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ต๐˜‚๐˜€๐—ฏ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—ฝ๐—ฒ? ๐—”๐—ฟ๐—ฒ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—ป๐˜ƒ๐—ผ๐˜€ ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐—ณ๐—ณ๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐˜‚๐—น๐˜? - ๐—บ๐˜† ๐—ณ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐——๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ป๐—ถ (๐—ฃ๐—ข๐—–) ๐—ฎ๐˜€๐—ธ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ.
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The convos are fucking difficult. There is so much work to be done. But it is worth itโ€ฆ b/c โค๏ธ.
โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
My husband learned years ago that thereโ€™s being an ally and then thereโ€™s being married to the people you allied for.
___โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
โœงAllies have to learn to shut up & listen & get comfortable with being offended (unlearning is hard).
โœงNon-black spouses have to do all that ๐˜ผ๐™‰๐˜ฟ ๐™œ๐™ž๐™ซ๐™š ๐™– ๐™‡๐™Š๐™ ๐™ค๐™› ๐™จ๐™ฅ๐™–๐™˜๐™š ๐™›๐™ค๐™ง ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™ฅ๐™–๐™ž๐™ฃ & ๐™ง๐™–๐™œ๐™š ๐™ฌ๐™ž๐™ฉ๐™๐™ค๐™ช๐™ฉ ๐™ฉ๐™–๐™ ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ ๐™ž๐™ฉ ๐™ฅ๐™š๐™ง๐™จ๐™ค๐™ฃ๐™–๐™ก๐™ก๐™ฎโ€ฆ ๐™ฌ๐™๐™ž๐™ก๐™š ๐™จ๐™ฉ๐™ž๐™ก๐™ก ๐™ข๐™–๐™ ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ ๐™จ๐™ฅ๐™–๐™˜๐™š ๐™›๐™ค๐™ง ๐™ก๐™ค๐™ซ๐™š. And not every couple getโ€™s this right. Itโ€™s hard fucking work.
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He & Iโ€ฆ we do the work.
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When itโ€™s a one off killing (as if) itโ€™s easier... I shout, I scream, I cry. I move on (๐˜ฃ/๐˜ค ๐˜ฑ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ท๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜จ๐˜ฆ- ๐˜ธ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ท๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ ๐˜ข๐˜ง๐˜ง๐˜ญ๐˜ถ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ค๐˜ฉ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ๐˜ฏ & ๐˜ธ/๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ถ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ ๐˜ง๐˜ข๐˜ฎ๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜บ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ฏโ€™๐˜ต ๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฌ ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ข โ€œ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ตโ€).
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But when itโ€™s piled on like this time ยซ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ถ๐—ฑ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿต + ๐—พ๐˜‚๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐˜๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ฒ + ๐—น๐˜†๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฎ๐˜€๐˜€ ๐—”๐—บ๐˜† + ๐—š๐—ฒ๐—ผ๐—ฟ๐—ด๐—ฒ ๐—™๐—น๐—ผ๐˜†๐—ฑ + ๐—น๐˜†๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฎ๐˜€๐˜€ ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐˜๐—ฎ๐—ด๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ถ๐˜€๐˜๐—ถ๐—ฐ ๐—ฎ๐˜€๐˜€ ๐Ÿฐ๐Ÿฑ + ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ผ๐˜๐˜€ยปโ€ฆ ... Well in those moments, he just has to accept that I love him, but in this moment I hate โ€œwhite peopleโ€ & that I need him to know unless heโ€™s the loudest ass, most vocal ass, anti-racist ass motherfucker ... ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต. ๐˜ ๐˜ฌ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ๐˜ข ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ฎ, ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ.
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** ๐™ฉ๐™๐™ž๐™จ ๐™ž๐™จ ๐™—๐™ง๐™ช๐™ฉ๐™–๐™ก, & ๐™ง๐™–๐™ฌ, & ๐™ž๐™ง๐™ง๐™–๐™ฉ๐™ž๐™ค๐™ฃ๐™–๐™กโ€ฆ ๐™—๐™ช๐™ฉ ๐™ž๐™ฉ ๐™ž๐™จ ๐™ง๐™š๐™–๐™ก ๐™–๐™ฃ๐™™ ๐™๐™ƒ๐™€ ๐™ˆ๐™Š๐™Ž๐™ ๐™„๐™ˆ๐™‹๐™Š๐™๐™๐˜ผ๐™‰๐™ ๐™‹๐˜ผ๐™๐™ โ€” ๐™„ ๐™๐™–๐™ซ๐™š ๐™ฉ๐™ค ๐™—๐™š ๐™–๐™—๐™ก๐™š ๐™ฉ๐™ค ๐™›๐™š๐™š๐™ก ๐™ข๐™ฎ ๐™›๐™š๐™š๐™ก๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ๐™จ. ๐˜ผ๐™ก๐™ก ๐™ค๐™› ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š๐™ข. ๐™€๐™ซ๐™š๐™ฃ ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™ช๐™œ๐™ก๐™ฎ ๐™ค๐™ฃ๐™š๐™จ.**
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But, I am rational & whatโ€™s happening ๐™ค๐™ช๐™ฉ ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š๐™ง๐™š could never break US ๐™ž๐™ฃ ๐™๐™š๐™ง๐™šโ€ฆ but whew, sometimes you just gotta look at a white man sideways... even if he is your man.
    Happy Motherโ€™s Day โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ € I Happy Motherโ€™s Day โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €โ €
I have lots of humans... and despite being absolutely bonkers, they really make it all worthwhile. Going into day fifty-eleven of quarantine is teaching us all a lot of life lessons... but, still... Mothering them is my fave!
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ps- I miss you all.
    ๐™‘๐™š๐™ง๐™ž๐™จ๐™ž๐™ข๐™ž๐™ก๐™ž๐™ฉ๐™ช๐™™๐™š // ๐™จ๐™ค๐™ข๐™š๐™ฉ๐™๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ ๐™ฉ๐™๐™–๐™ฉ ๐™ค๐™ฃ๐™ก๐™ฎ ๐™–๐™ฅ๐™ฅ๐™š๐™–๐™ง๐™จ ๐™ฉ๐™ค ๐™—๐™š ๐™ฉ๐™ง๐™ช๐™š.
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๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ด๐˜ฐ ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ฅ: ๐˜ด๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆโ€™๐˜ด ๐˜ข๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ถ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ญ๐˜บ ๐˜ข ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ต๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ข๐˜ญ.
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In truth, itโ€™s been a long time since someone has called me mental. Because "๐˜ธ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ" adults donโ€™t use that word. But, it doesnโ€™t bother me. Because its not that far from the truth.
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In a lot of ways we skirt the edges of mental health in the wellness world; because the fact of the matter is, โ€œmental healthโ€ is a euphemism for being mentally unwell. At least it is for me. The only time my mental health is a topic of conversation, at all, is when I am really quite unwell.
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๐‘ฐโ€™๐’—๐’† ๐’ƒ๐’†๐’†๐’ ๐’–๐’๐’˜๐’†๐’๐’.
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In fact, Iโ€™ve been a ghost. But not because Iโ€™m ghosting you. Itโ€™s hard to explain, and Iโ€™m typically quite good with words. But Iโ€™ll try. Itโ€™s like opening your mouth, but nothing comes out.
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๐˜•๐˜ฐ๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ฅ๐˜ด, ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต ๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ณ, ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜บ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ.
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Everything is locked up tight. You canโ€™t even exhale. So you sip air inโ€ฆ slowlyโ€ฆ and hope you donโ€™t explode. When I was younger, I liked to ride the wild swings; but being rational, & having children changes the way you cope. So, Iโ€™ve learned to white knuckle my way in ๐’๐’†๐’–๐’•๐’“๐’‚๐’. Because feeling anything is absolutely, positively, too much, so I cope by shuttingโ€ฆ itโ€ฆ down.
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and that is where Iโ€™ve been. not being the best wife. not being the best mom. not being the best writer, friend, or โ€œcreator.โ€ just fucking white knuckling it in neutral. [sorry].
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๐’๐’†๐’–๐’•๐’“๐’‚๐’ ๐’Š๐’” ๐’๐’ ๐’‘๐’๐’‚๐’„๐’† ๐’•๐’ ๐’๐’Š๐’—๐’†โ€ฆ ๐’๐’“ ๐’‚๐’• ๐’๐’†๐’‚๐’”๐’•, ๐’๐’ ๐’‘๐’๐’‚๐’„๐’† ๐’•๐’ ๐’๐’Š๐’—๐’† ๐’˜๐’Š๐’•๐’‰ ๐’๐’•๐’‰๐’†๐’“๐’”.
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I think a decade of white knuckling & sipping the air in is the extent of my capacity.  So, today Iโ€™m opening my mouth and forcing myself to exhaleโ€ฆ lest I burst.
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*ps- Iโ€™ve gotten sooooo many DMs. Thank you and I love you. #WordsbyFe
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[painting of me / โ€œFalse Confidenceโ€, oil on canvas, 2007 by @heathernotjerry ]
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